Hidden Love
Han Yu Pin Yin: Cang Ai
Author: Jennifer
Source: AAE Village
Translators: TS~*

After hanging up the phone, happiness lingered in her heart for a long time. Xiang Ze will be back from Japan tonight and he has told her that he bought something for her. She’s filled with wonder, looking forward to his return. She has finally tasted the feelings of longing for someone.

Finally done with her busy work at hand, Shan Mei looked through the pile of mails on her tray. An engagement invitation caught her attention. Jin You Zhen and Xu Ying Mei these six big letters appeared big and bright before her eyes. Starring at the computer screen, her mind is in a complete blank.

“Shen Mei, someone sent you a red coloured bomb” Shen Jin came over to take something for her table and commented. Shan Mei nodded her head woodenly, it took her half a day to raise form her bleakness

Today everyone has to stay back and work overtime in the office. She didn’t want anyone to see her misery. She needed to leave the place; to make her brains function again. She felt like she’s now a walking zombie, without any thoughts and feelings; numb.

Although she’s got no idea where to go, she needed to get out of the office desperately. She didn’t want to go home to an empty house. She didn’t know how to settle her confuse feelings.

When she wished him forever happiness under the stars at River Cam, she’d meant it whole-heartedly; but why is it the news of his engagement still able to give her so much shock and pain? Why is she still brooding over the past? Does she still love him? Not anymore! After all, this is the past that represented her childhood; it contained her unspoken dreams and the tears and laughter of her youth.
She realised that to bid goodbye to your past is actually such a difficult thing to do.

She walked aimlessly on the road. She boarded the train and changed onto the bus. Following the long stretch of road, she walked slowly, letting the chilly cold night breeze blow over her.

Where is she? Her surroundings looked familiar. She looked around and realised that she has unknowingly arrived near where Xiang Ze is staying.

She gave a sad smile. It seems that it has become a habit that she would always go to him whenever she needed to seek some comfort.

She realised that she treats him badly, always forgetting about how he feels
She turned around and walked back to the road that has lead her there; her heavy footsteps sounded dejectedly on the pavement

A sharp honk sounded, bringing her back to reality.
“What’s wrong with you?”

The person she didn’t want to see has appeared before her.

“Nothing, I was just taking a stroll on my own and not realising where I’ve walked, I ended up here.” She tried her best to keep her voice clam.

Looking at his caring and concerned face, she was moved to tears. She turned away quickly, not wanting him to see her uncontrolled tears.

“If nothing’s wrong, why are you crying?”

“I’m not crying, it’s just that some dirt got into my eyes.”

Her sad face without the tinge of laughter and her dejected eyebrows has already given her away. He knows her well enough to know that something was up and that she was lying.

“Get into the car! I’ll send you home later.”

The back seat is full of luggage; he has just come back from the airport. She got into the car without a word and followed him back to his apartment.

Looking at a dejected Shan Mei, it makes Xiang Ze sad as well. He looked at her straight in the eye, watching over her in a very gentle expression.

“If you want to cry, don’t stop yourself. Just go ahead and cry!”

She was touched by his words and got choked up with emotions again. Tears came down in torrents!

In front of him, she need not put up a brave front. She can relax herself and depend on him.

Xiang Ze embraced her lightly. She rested in his embrace, letting tears flow down her cheeks freely.

He did not say a word, never asked her why she’s upset. He held her in his arms and allowed her to cry her heart out. He stroked her gently to clam her down.

To say or do anything at this moment is unnecessary.

After a long while, she got out from his embrace. She face is streaked with tears.

“You must be hungry. I’ll go get us something to eat” He guess as much that she must have not eaten. It’s almost 10 o’clock already

“ No need. I’ve got no appetite” She shook her head and said.

“You may not be hungry but I’m famished.” “Wait for me to come back okay!” He ‘s worried that she’ll just leave like that. Before he went off to look for food, he reminded her again.

It was already very late. He had to walk two streets before he could find any food. He bought back 2 bowls of kimchi pack and upon returning home; found her crawled up on his sofa, fast asleep.

Her eyes were tightly shut; her long lashes is still drenched with tears

She must have cried again when he went out.

He picked up a folded invitation on the carpet. It was smudged with tears. Looking at it, he finally understood all her sorrows. He gave a sigh in his heart. Whenever she cries in front of him, it always has to do with this person. Maybe she still cannot let go of the memory of that person; Xiang Ze’s heart is pained.

He gave a sigh and put the invitation card back into her bag. His heart is heavy and for the entire night, he was unable to sleep. Why does she still hold on to that painful past of hers? He kept questioning himself and was unable to find an answer to that question. It was almost daybreak before he fell asleep.

When she woke up, it was already daylight. A heavy woollen blanket was resting atop her. She just fell asleep like that last night and he did not even wake her up. She got up into a sitting position and noticed him sleeping on a sofa beside her.

He had been watching over her for the whole night? She pulled away the blanket from her body and placed it gently over him. He just recovered from his cold; she didn’t want him to fall sick again.

He was still wearing the shirt he came home in last night. There was a streak of dried tearstain on the sleeves. She did not know how long she has cried in his arms last night or how much tears she’s shed. All she did was let her emotions run free, pouring all her hurt and sadness out.
She watched Xiang Ze quietly
Xiang Ze’s eyebrows are slightly crossed while sleeping
She felt bad about what she’s done. She has no right to burden him with all her sorrows. She shouldn’t have followed him home last night.

She walked into the bathroom. Looking at the mirror; she saw herself. Swollen eyes, messy hair; she looked pathetic.

After washing up and tidying herself, she walked into the living room. She opened the floor to ceiling window gently and stepped onto the balcony

In the morning sunlight, the air is filled with a tinge of flowery fragrance. Upon the horizon, she could see the outline of the peaks of the mountains. She remembered the first time she came over to his place to take the measurements of his apartment; she’s fallen in love with the view from this balcony. It gave her a sense of calmness.

At this very moment, her heart is at peace. After a night of emotional outburst, everything seemed to have settled down and disappeared. All the pain and sadness; all the feelings of unfairness have been washed away by her tears! She feels at ease; relaxed. She has finally and completely bid goodbye to her first love. She has finally let go of the past. She sat on the bench and enjoyed the morning scene before her and contemplates the beauty before her quietly. Her heart is free to love again.…..

“ You’ll catch a cold if you keep standing here.” He walked over to her side and placed a jacket over her

“It seems like I’m always letting you see the worst side of me” She said softly

“Shan Mei…” He wanted to take a good look at her

She turned her head away “I don’t want anyone to see me like this” she didn’t want him to see how ugly she is with red swollen eyes

His mouth raised into a slight smile. He had watched over her the whole of last night and had taken a good look at her for half of it…. He has seen all he wanted

“Someone once said that s girl will only be bothered with how she looks in front of the guy she likes but I don’t think we’re in that kind of relationship right?” he asked her softly

He really wished that it was because of him that she didn’t want him to see her this way….because of him that she’s come to look for him… he really whished that it was this way…
He looked into the faraway, his heart hopeful.

Whenever he feels that she’s walking closer towards hi, she’ll seem to turn away again and leave him further; when will she take the big step over the edge, bridging the small distance between them and walk straight towards him?

She stood still. It was after a long pause before she said “ It’s because you’re……..Xue Zhang, I don’t want you to see me this way.”

His heart skipped a beat. Happiness overwhelmed him, turning over and over again in his heart. She cared about him.

“Xue Zhang, thank you for last night!”

“What’s there to thank me for? I didn’t do anything, I don’t even know how to say a single consoling word.” He gave her a smile.

[Xue Zhang, it’s enough that you lent me your broad shoulder to cry on] She looked into his deep and vast eye and thought to herself.

“Thank You……for accompanying me while I bid my past goodbye.” She said instead

“Is it really…sunshine after the rain?” In his heart, there’s happiness but there’s also a doubt

“Oh! Really, I’m alright now” She said
“When you bid you past goodbye… it’s didn’t include me I hope!” He teased

She didn’t reply his question

“Shan Mei…can you give yourself a chance and also the person who likes you a chance?” he turned her around to face him and looked straight into her eyes with a gentle expression that resembled love

His actions made her heart beat faster

“Okay” She dared not look at him straight in the eye

“Promise me, don’t try to escape anymore?” he put is gentle and warm palms on her shoulder

“I…When did I ever try to escape?” she answered guiltily

“Okay, whatever you say.” He gave her a smile but did not press further. He didn’t want to pressurise her. His hands still on her shoulder; he led her back into the house

“I’ll make breakfast, what do you want to eat?” He opened the fridge. Yesterday when he went out to buy them some dinner, he had bought some bread and daily foodstuffs back as well.

She saw the 2 bowls of Kimchi pack still wrapped in their original cover on the table. His thoughtfulness overwhelmed her; making tears well up in her eyes

Afraid that he’ll see her crying again, she wiped away her tears quickly.

“Xue Zhang, let me prepare breakfast! You go change and get ready for work!”

He looked a little worried about her.

“What’s wrong? You don’t trust me cooking skills? Don’t worry, I guarantee that it’s edible.”

She looks like she’s really fine now that she can joke with him.

When he stepped into the room after a bath and a change of clothes, the fragrant aroma of freshly brewed coffee drifted into his nose.

She was sitting at the table, waiting for him to join her for breakfast.

“It looks like it’s very tasty!” he commented after seeing the big spread of delicious food on the table. He reached over and grabbed a tuna sandwich and started eating with big bites. He didn’t eat his dinner last night and now he suddenly feels very hungry. He finished 2 servings of tuna sandwich and drank to 2 cups of coffee in one breath.

Looking at how he eats; Shan Mei who had by now finished her breakfast; smiled.

“It wouldn’t be a surprise that you’ll have high blood pressure from the way you eat”

“I’m hungry because the breakfast you make is very delicious. Such a tasty breakfast, it’ll be a waste if I don’t eat it. I wonder when I’ll ever have the chance to taste it again. Whoever marries you in the future will be a lucky man!” He smiled and finished his last mouthful of coffee in one gulp

“I remembered someone once commented that my cooking skills need lots of improvement. Most probably you too hungry that you brains cannot function properly only will you say that this breakfast is delicious!” She said; pouting her lips and looked over that the two bowls of Kimchi packs at the side of the table

“I had my dinner on the plane so I wasn’t hungry” He smiled and tried to explain

“Let’s go! I’ll send you home and then to the office.”

“No need, I’m not going to work today” She shook her head lightly

He looked at her; surprised. SH seldom apply for leave

“Aiyo! How am I to go to work looking like this?” She touched her face and explained

“Then… I’ll stay back and accompany you as well”

“I’m not a kid!” She stared at him in the eye

No, She’s not a kid. She’s the girl he liked; the big girl who would sometimes throw tantrums like a kid

“Xue Zhang, you go to work. You haven’t been into the office for a week already. Who knows, the papers you’ll have to look thru might have already piled ceiling high. I’ll go home on my own later.”

Before he left for work, he specially reminded her again. “ The box on the table is for you. Don’t forget to bring it home later!”

She carried the present he has brought back for her from a thousand miles; she felt sweetness enveloping her heart as well as touched by the things he’s done for her. She had just made a passing remark that she likes to eat the desserts from that specific shop and yet he remembered. Thinking about all the things he’s done, tears started to flow down her cheeks again.

He’s very good to her, so good that she realised he’s become a more and more important person in her life. She has promised him that she’ll not escape anymore but she still cannot convince herself to face him with her heart completely

How many times has she asked herself, he is such an outstanding person and she’s just a normal, plain girl; why does he still likes her? How many has she told herself that he is just confuse at the moment; just like how her love for brother You Zhen was one sided, she’s afraid that her love for him will be rejected once he straighten out his thoughts. One day he’ll realise who’s more comparable and suitable for him. She cannot risk to be confused like him now. When he finally sorted out his thoughts, perhaps they can still be good friends or maybe she can continue to be his Xue Mei (Junior).

She didn’t want to lose him; Although the day has yet to arrive, she realised that she is unable to stop herself from getting closer to him; she cannot stop herself even if she wants to.

She seems to be tying a knot. She knows that she has to loosen this knot between them but her hands and heart seems to have a will of their own; tying the knot even tighter still.

What is she to do? Before she can think clearly, perhaps it’s best to remain as they are!

Is this what he meant by escaping?

Xue Zhang, I’m sorry! I’m not as brave or strong as who you think I am. She said in her heart.
She really needed sometime

That night, when he returned home, it was already midnight.
The house is neat and tidy; she has cleaned it up for him.
The air is filled with the waif of her scent; he has a feeling of happiness and contentment. That night, he had a good dream and restful sleep.