Hidden Love
Han Yu Pin Yin: Cang Ai
Author: Jennifer
Source: AAE Village
Translators: Jules

After work, she walked the streets alone.  Before she knew it, she was at the city centre.  Being a Friday night, the roads were full of traffic and the sidewalks filled with people.

SM stood at the window of the Galleria, looking at the camel coat on display.  A week ago, they had stood at this same spot, looking at the same display.  XZ noticed the longing in her eyes, and offered to buy the coat for her.  She refused, as it was rather expensive, and they finally agreed that he would get it for her when it went on sale.  Oh! Why was she thinking of him again?  After all, she was the one who called it all off.

After their argument at the park last Monday, she had to make an unscheduled business trip to Pusan to cover for a colleague who had taken emergency leave.  The trip had taken more than a week, and she only arrived home the day before yesterday.  It had been two weeks since she last saw him.  They hadn’t even spoken to each other on the phone.  Maybe it was just fate that they were suddenly separated by a few hundred miles, and could therefore no longer meet.

The gloomy weather in Pusan had kept her mood sombre.  She thought that her spirits would lift on returning to Seoul’s sunny weather, but it hadn’t happened.  It was only then that she realised her mood had nothing to do with the weather.  It was the darkness in her own heart that was blocking out the sunshine in her life.

“Hey! Shan Mei!” a clear voice called out from behind.  It was Yong Xi.
“What a surprise! Are you shopping alone?” Yong Xi asked.
“I was just having a look”, she replied with a smile.  “Don’t you have to read the news tonight?”
“I’m on leave”, Yong Xi replied.  Yong Xi was carrying an assortment of parcels.
“Do you need help?” SM asked.
“Thanks.”  Yong Xi’s car was parked a distance away, and the two of them chatted as they made their way there.

“Are you in a hurry?  Why don’t we sit down somewhere?  My feet are killing me.” Yong Xi asked.  “There’s a nice café near here.”
The café that Yong Xi referred to was one that had been designed by SM.

Thank goodness, the owner was not there.
“It’s really nice here.  Xiang Zhe recommended it to me.  Oh yes, he said you had been in charge of the design.”
How did XZ know this?  SM was perplexed.  She definitely hadn’t mentioned anything about this to him.

Both of them ordered nachos.
“Have you and Xiang Zhe had a tiff?” Yong Xi went straight to the point.
“Did he tell you that?” she looked down, concentrating on stirring her drink.
“He didn’t have to tell me.  He’s back to his old ways again.  Working till all hours of the night, then going off to the pub for drinks by himself.  It’s pretty obvious to me.”
“You really care about him”, SM looked up at YX, trying to figure out the strange feeling in the pit of her stomach.
“I’m sure you’ve always known that.  Wasn’t it obvious that time at the tennis club?  If you didn’t know then, why were so competitive against me that day?”  YX looked at her, then continued.  “Of course I care for him.  I’ve been in love with him since I was in high school.  Our families were pressing us to get engaged, but….he refused.”
“Why?” SM was curious.
“He said he didn’t love me.  To be honest, I had always been trying to get him back.  When he returned to Korea, I thought it was the perfect opportunity.  But….he had already fallen in love with you.”
“He’s been a totally different person since he started going out with you.  He’s now so happy.  You can see the happiness and contentment glow in his face every time he mentions your name.  It was only then I realised it was time for me to let go.”
Yong Xi’s words touched her.
“I don’t know what has caused this rift between the two of you.  But he’s been in such a bad mood lately, it’s pretty obvious how much you mean to him.  Maybe you’ve got it wrong.  You know how he is, he tends to keep everything to himself.  He doesn’t like to explain himself, even if it means he would be blamed for something he didn’t do.”
Had she really misunderstood him?
“I guess you really know him better than I do”, SM said bitterly.
Yong Xi shook her head and said, “Everybody has something to hide.  When you love someone, you tend to have much higher expectations, and try so much harder.  That’s why it’s so much more disappointing when things don’t turn out right.  In front of me, Xiang Zhe is able to let it all hang out, because I am only his good friend.”
“Yong Xi…..Do you….Do you know this Zhao Meng Ting?” SM finally blurted out.
YX shook her head.
“Do you think this is really just a misunderstanding?” SM asked.
“I don’t know.  Why don’t you ask Xiang Zhe yourself?”

That night, she turned Yong Xi’s words over in her mind.  Should she give him another chance?  Should she give herself another chance?  She was starting to regret not giving him the chance to explain things before jumping to the conclusion that he was guilty.  She still couldn’t believe how angry she was that day, how easily she lost her temper.

Still, she did not make an effort to see XZ.  It was not pride, and it was not to punish him.  It was because she was afraid of the truth.  It was easier to run away than to confront a reality that she wasn’t prepared to face.  She really wasn’t so strong after all.

On Sunday afternoon, she took time out to inspect the work at the Cultural Gallery.  They were close to finishing up, and she did not want anything to delay the completion of the project.  The workmen had the day off, so she took her time with the inspection, carefully to examining all details.

“Wow! You’re pretty dedicated to your work, Miss Zhen Shan Mei!”  It was Xian Da.  SM hadn’t counted on meeting anyone here on a Sunday.
“Uncle Xian Da!” She greeted him with a smile.
“We’re close to completion, and I decided to come over to inspect the work”, she explained.
“You’re dressed so nicely today, I almost didn’t recognise you!”  Xian Da teased.
She smiled a little uncomfortably.  Since it wasn’t a work day and she hadn’t expected to meet anyone, she was dressed casually.
“Do you have time to show me around?”  Xian Da asked.
She lead Xian Da around the site, taking time to explain everything in detail.
“You’re really good at this!  Xiang Zhe said your presentation that day was so good, even the Managing Director was impressed.”
On the mention of XZ, SM fell silent, although she still wore a smile on her face.  The atmosphere became a little uncomfortable.
“Uncle, do you have to work today?”  she broke the silence first.
“Yes, I was called in for a meeting at the last minute”, XD did not mention that it was XZ who called the meeting.
“Do you have anything on later?  How about I buy you lunch?” he asked.
“Why do you want to buy me lunch?” she asked in surprise.
“Don’t you remember?  I promised to buy you lunch if we could win at tennis.”
“Oh yes!  I’d forgotten.” She laughed.
“What would you like to have?” he asked.
“I’m easy.”
“In that case, why don’t we go French?  It’s Yong Xi’s favourite…..You don’t mind if Yong Xi comes along, do you?”
SM secretly smiled.  She just ended up being the excuse for Xian Da to date Yong Xi!
“I’ll see you half past twelve, at the White House in Ming Dong.  I assume you know the place?”
SM smiled and nodded.
“Oh, by the way, Shan Mei!” Xian Da called out as he back-tracked, “Could you please stop calling me Uncle?  Just call me Brother Xian Da from now on”.
SM laughed.  He was trying to project a younger image!
“OK, OK, I understand, Brother Xian Da!”

She arrived punctually at half past twelve.  Xian Da and Yong Xi were already there.
“You look really good, dressed like this!” Yong Xi said, admiring her.
She was wearing checked pants with a coffee top and cream high heels.  A matching checked scarf was knotted at her neck.
“Shan Mei, you should consider changing your career to be a model.”
SM suddenly felt a little embarrassed with the two of them teasing her.

“So sorry I’m late.  There was something I had to do at the last minute.”
XZ suddenly appeared.  His heart soared when he saw her.

She’s back at last.  That day, he took a gamble, letting her walk away.  He had intended give her a few days, then explain everything face to face, but she had already left for Pusan by then.  He thought about ringing her, but was afraid that they would end up arguing again.  Any more arguments like the last wouldn’t have helped things.  He didn’t want things blown completely out of proportion.  He finally decided to bide his time and wait for her return.  He hadn’t realised he would have to wait almost two weeks.  He had gone down to the Cultural Gallery several times, hoping to bump into her, but it had all been in vain.

He took the seat next to her.
“I promised Shan Mei that I would buy her lunch if we won at tennis that day.  She’s the guest of honour today.  You and Yong Xi are here only because of her.” XD told XZ.
“Is that right?  Why hadn’t I heard about this before?” XZ said, glancing in SM’s direction.
She was looking down, carefully studying the menu.
XZ grinned at XD and YX.
“Let’s order! Shan Mei, what will you have?” XD asked.
“I’m not familiar with French cuisine at all”, she said.  After carefully going through the whole menu, she still could not decide what to have.
“Why don’t you try the fish souffle followed by the omelette?” XZ suggested.
SM hesitated only a moment before nodding.
XZ ordered a lobster bisque and duck liver pate.
SM actually thought about having the lobster bisque, but decided to avoid it.  XZ had introduced her to it when they were in London, telling her that it was the speciality of Marseille.  It had been delicious.  She could still remember the delicate aroma…. XZ had ordered it instead.  Did he remember?  With that thought she unconsciously looked up at him.  Their eyes met.  In that instant, she realised with a startling clarity what she had been trying to avoid.  No matter what happened, he was still in her heart.  Her love for him hadn’t changed.  She could try to deny it; She could pretend it to others, but her heart knew where it belonged.

XD was the only one chattering away throughout the meal.  YX occasionally smiled at SM, who was trying hard to concentrate on her meal, and XZ next to her, who trying hard not to notice her.
“Xiang Zhe, after this meal, can you please stop calling me back to the office on a Sunday?” XD asked.
“You think I can be bribed with just a simple meal?” XZ teased.
“Xian Da, I think you’re better off asking Shan Mei”, YX said.
“I think you’re right!  Shan Mei, could you please make sure you keep this guy busy on weekends in the future, so he doesn’t bother us on our day off?”

SM knew XD was just trying to lighten the atmosphere.  She realised the atmosphere during the meal had been strained because of her.  Not wanting to be a wet blanket, she lightened her mood and tried to enjoy herself.
“Brother Xian Da, I’m really not capable of doing that”, she said demurely.
“Hey, I think you underestimate the power of your influence.  Aren’t I right, Xiang Zhe?” XD replied.
XZ did not answer.  SM wondered what he was thinking.

After the meal, she hurriedly said goodbye and left.  XZ watched her gradually disappear into the distance, unable to decide what to do.  She hadn’t said a word to him all through the meal.
“Hey Xiang Zhe!  Stop dreaming and get a move on!” YX prodded him.

She made her way aimlessly through the crowd.  For a moment, she had hoped he would come after her and be by her side, just like before.  She sighed heavily when he did not appear.  Maybe she had imagined the love in his eyes.  She was the one who dumped him, after all.  The thought made her heart ache.  She bit her lip, holding back her tears.

She was jostled as she made her way through the crowd, her head hanging.  As she walked, she became aware that she was no longer being pushed along.  A tall presence had appeared next to her, parting the crowd, giving her safe passage.  She knew it was him.

Silence enveloped them.  They walked on until the end of the road, and she stopped.  Where should she go next?  How she wished the road would never end.  She plucked up the courage to look at him.  He had lost weight.
Finally, he spoke, “You’ve lost weight.”
She remained silent, averting her eyes.  She was afraid he might see how fragile she was feeling.
“Can we talk?” he said.
She followed him into the car.  He drove them to the spot on a hill where they often went to look at the stars.  Along the way, neither of them spoke.

She stood in the wind, quietly gazing at the hazy mountains in the distance.  Suddenly, he didn’t know what to do to break the silence.
“Xue Zhang, do you really think I lost my temper at you just because of some article in a trashy magazine?  Do you think I’m such a stubborn, willful and unreasonable person?” she asked sadly.
“Shan Mei…”
She finally turned around, and looked at him with sorrow in her eyes, “That day, I said I didn’t want to ever see you again because……because I care too much about you……Care too much to even contemplate what would happen if I were to ever lose you.  So….So I decided to walk away before the hurt got too much to bear…..”
“Do you know why I decided to come back that Saturday?”
“That was the day that we first met.  I wanted to surprise you.” There was such a deep sorrow in her voice.
“Shan Mei…..” XZ stepped up next to her and put his arms around her shoulders.
“I went to our favourite bakery, bought a cake and went to your place.  There, I saw……I…I saw that woman hugging you, heard your laughter, saw you leave with her by your side……”
“At that moment, my heart was shattered.  It hurt so badly, I didn’t know what to do.”
“That night, no matter which way I looked it. I knew I had to give you a chance to explain.  I rang your home every hour, on the hour until dawn.  You never went home that night.  By day break, I couldn’t take any more.  You have no idea how long I wept.” She choked.
“Shan Mei…” he held her tightly in his arms.
She leaned against him, tears pouring down her cheeks.
“I was really disappointed and angry.  How could you hurt me like this?”

XZ patted her gently.  He had no idea she how deeply wounded she had been.
“Silly girl…..You’ve misunderstood the whole situation”. he whispered gently in her ear.
She looked up at him with tears in her eyes.
“Zhao Meng Ting’s father and my dad are old friends.  A few years ago, their family emigrated to the UK.  She and I were at Cambridge together.  She has returned to Korea, and her father asked my dad to look after her.  That day when you went to Japan, she rang me in the middle of the night, asking me to pick her up at the airport because her plane had been delayed.  How could I refuse?”
“That Saturday afternoon, she came over to my place with Shiqi and Meina.  Shiqi and Meina had something else on, so they left early.  She stayed on to talk.  I knew she was bored, so decided to take her sightseeing.  She’s lived abroad all her life, so she’s very casual where physical contact is concerned.  I didn’t expect you to see us and misunderstand what was going on.”

“What about that night?  Why didn’t you go home?”
SM asked breathlessly.  It was the question that she most wanted an answer to all this time.
“Dad had prepared a welcome dinner for her that night.  Dad and me ended up talking business late into the night.  I had drunk quite a bit as well, so decided to spend the night there instead.”

“Do you believe me?” he held her face in his hands and looked deeply into her eyes.
Her eyes brimming with tears, she nodded vehemently.  She could see honesty, pain, and deep love in s eyes – eyes don’t lie.

XZ held her in his arms and stayed by her side all afternoon.  It was almost as if he was trying to fill the emptiness of those two weeks, to make up for lost time.
“Shan Mei…..please promise me that you will never, ever say goodbye again”, he said.
“OK” she said gravely.
Somewhere along the way, he had become the most important person in her life.

The sky was so blue that day, it brightened their hearts; and the moon was so beautiful it touched their souls.  And all this was because…..because he was by her side.