AAE -- Wishes Of The Heart
Chapter 198
written by LoveCR2 -- 2005
edited by All-About-AAE -- 2019
"I know I should be happy, after all this time and struggle, to see those dreams come true... But all I want to do is cry." -- Jin Sun-Mi
DAEJEON ...
The black sapphire BWM 740i slows almost to a stop before pulling off the narrow road into a small car park on the bank of the Geum River.
Beep-beep-beep ... beep-beep-beep-beep ...
Sun-Mi's mobile starts ringing. She quickly takes it from her purse to answer the call...
"Hello, Senior?"
"Hi... Are you busy now?"
"Yes... I mean, no," she fumbles for an answer. "Why are you calling?"
"I was thinking about you, and out of habit my hand just dialed," he replies, reminiscent of what she'd said after calling in desperation, despite being in the midst of a Cold War with him...
"Yeah, I know how that can happen," she laughs lightly.
"I'd really like to see you this afternoon," he declares his purpose, while not demanding, "but if it's not a good time..."
"Actually, I'm on my way to visit an old friend right now," she hedges her answer, not wanting to divulge too much.
"Oh... then, can I see you tonight instead?" he suggests.
"Umm..." She quickly estimates the driving time back to Seoul. "It'll have to be later."
"Later it is," he accepts. "There's something I want to discuss with you."
Recognizing a different tone in his voice than usual, Sun-Mi thinks for a moment, then offers, "It's okay, you can tell me now."
"No, it can wait," he defers. "It's not that critical."
"Sure," she agrees, wondering now what isn't so important that is also important enough for him to call her. "I'll see you later. Bye..."
"Bye," he signs off.
Sun-Mi closes her phone and removes the battery so she won't be interrupted again, before she puts it back into her purse.
Then she alights from the car, purse slung over one shoulder, carrying a bouquet of white daisies and yellow asiatic lilies.
Sheltered by a border of trees from the any wisp of breeze, the car park is suffocating with humidity, making the 32C (90F) heat feel like 41C (106F). Coming from the comfort of the car's A/C, it's like stepping into an oven, and by the time she crosses the car park to the adjacent roadside cemetery, Sun-Mi's brow is dotted with beads of perspiration.
She walks slowly on the trimmed grass in her open-toe LK Bennett 75mm wedge pumps, careful to keep her footing on the descending slope. Overhead, flat grey clouds hang low, threatening rain. Across the wide reservoir, the distant hills are shrouded by a haze of muggy air. But now that she is clear of the trees, a breeze off the water provides a refreshing reprieve from the sticky conditions.
At the last row of grass-covered mounds, Sun-Mi comes to her destination...
She gazes down at the stone marking Woo-Jin's grave, remembering the day she watched his casket being lowered into the ground.
Then she had held back her tears, trying to be strong for Woo-Jin's mother. But now, the tears run freely as she remembers fondly the man she once had hoped to marry...
"I'm sorry, Oppa... I've wanted to come here since I returned to Seoul, but things happened," she speaks aloud as if talking in person to him.
Sun-Mi kneels on the grass in front of the tombstone to lay the bouquet...
"I was so happy when you were beside me. I miss you so much... Whenever I think about you, tears keep welling up... "
She brushes damp hair back off her face, wiping her eyes clear, and contemplates his name carved into the polished stone, reaching out to touch it tenderly.
"Why did you have to leave us so soon? ... Why?"
Sun-Mi buries her face in her hands, sobbing her grief out with bitter tears...
When the tears are spent, the wracking sobs have quieted, and the pain in her heart has lulled to a dull ache, Sun-Mi wipes her eyes dry again and resumes her one-sided conversation...
"There's something I wanted to talk about with you, like before, whenever I didn't know what to do... You're the only person who really knows me, the only one I told everything to -- all my fears and hopes and dreams -- so can you listen to me now?"
She gets up off her knees and slips off her black Dolce & Gabbana blazer, folding it to lay on top of her skirt after she sits down on the grass next to the tombstone. Leaning a bare shoulder against the smooth stone surface, she gazes out across the water below, remembering the times as a child that she'd sat next to Woo-Jin, high on their mountain perch, looking over the steep valley, secure with his arm kept protectively around her shoulders...
"It all seemed so simple then... dreaming I could spread my wings, soar like the eagles high in the clouds, and fly away from all my troubles... with you...'
Sun-Mi raises her eyes momentarily, looking up into the clouds.
"But real life isn't like that. We don't have wings to fly, and even if we could, there is nowhere to fly to escape... We have to bear with the consequences and live with the regrets, pondering what 'might have been' for words that can't be unspoken and deeds that can't be undone..."
She chuckles at her own solemnity.
"Do I sound cynical now, Oppa? ... It's because I don't have you here, telling me it's no big deal, that tomorrow will be better," she says despondently with the memory.
"The other day I met the Chairman, Senior's father. I'd thought he would disapprove, but instead he praised me, said that since I'd accomplished so much, that I was worthy to be his daughter-in-law... I know he meant well, but still..."
Sun-Mi swallows the lump in her throat, brushing with her hand at the new tears forming in her eyes.
"It's funny, isn't it? I don't know why I'm like this ... I know I should be happy, after all this time and struggle, to see those dreams come true. But all I want to do is cry, because I see now that it's also really the end of things, too..."
Sun-Mi looks off into the distance, as she ponders her situation...
"Chairman Yoon left me with some advice -- be honest about who I am, stay true to my heart, and follow my own dreams..."
"Recently, I scolded Senior for deciding to marry Young-Mi though he didn't love her, choosing to live a lie because it was the 'right thing to do'... but actually, I was rebuking myself..."
"And now that I think about it, by rejecting me for Young-Mi, you were doing just that, choosing to live your dream, and not mine..."
She smiles wistfully to herself while she continues...
"It's taken me a long time to understand something so simple that you knew it instinctively... until we are true to ourselves, we can never be true to another," she admits...
"But knowing this is one thing, doing it is another, and may be the hardest thing I've ever tried..."